I Am Happier To Know You

One of our cultural norms in the United States is the propensity to hug those we love, are fond of, happy to see, or want to say a special thank you to. Of course, other cultures do this as well, but not to the same extent as American’s.

In business or social situations, we will shake hands with those we have just met or do not really know. The grasp of another’s hand in a handshake, whether done by a man or woman, is supposed to be firm, not machismo crushing or limp like a dead fish.  We do not shake hands and double or single kiss at the same time unless we’re aware that the person we are greeting hails from a culture that requires it.

Because some Americans are homophobic, straight men do not hold hands or kiss each other on the cheek, but it is okay to do a quick backslap and a very brief hug with a close friend or family member.

Hugs are short-lived or extended depending on the relationship with the other person. After becoming used to the etiquette at a church I attended when I lived in Washington, D.C., I got in the habit of doing full bear hugs with my male friends. This means that my breasts touched their chest. I had not even considered this might be inappropriate outside the church setting until an Australian friend demanded that I stop hugging her husband in this way. She thought I was hitting on him. I was not, but now I am more careful with both men and women. However,  this kind of hug, the one where you hold your chest a few inches away and lean forward with your ass facing upward, or just with bent arms so you cannot actually touch, to me, feels insincere. If I am truly happy to see someone, what I still consider a “real” hug is how I choose to express it.

In Egypt, it was okay to hug or double kiss all my friends and acquaintances. In India, it depended on how well I knew someone, but the double kiss was the normal greeting in social situations.  If a man was my friend, we also hugged, but if I just met him, we shook hands. In Mexico, I did not hug men. I shook their hand, but a polite greeting to a woman I had never met consisted of a single kiss to her right cheek followed by a brief hug. From my cultural perspective, this was over the top. I do not feel comfortable or sincere kissing people I do not know.  I also learned that upon arriving at an event, one is supposed to greet everyone in the room.  When leaving, you are supposed to do the reverse. I could never get myself to do this with any semblance of enthusiasm.  In my culture, this is known as “working the room.” It is practiced by those who are running for political office or trying to sell you something.

Europeans also have their own rules. It just depends on their country or culture of origin.   In some, a handshake is as close as you can get, in others, a double kiss is appropriate.  When I lived in Cairo, I greeted a British acquaintance with a hug because I was happy to see her. She was initially quite taken aback, but then kindly responded by saying “Oh. Of course you’re an American.” How lovely that she understood my cultural norm and accepted that I was not being cheeky.

If an American hugs you, take it as a compliment.  If they say that they are happy to see you, they probably are!

Loved it, loved it, loved it…my kind of book…easy to read, extremely interesting & informative…if you have a desire to learn more about the Muslim culture & to have a greater understanding of the people of Egypt this is the book you must read. The author with her wit & charm has done a wonderful job at making you feel you are there with her sharing her experiences. Will definitely order more copies to give to my friends (they’re not getting my copy) who I know will think twice before criticizing the Muslim culture & hopefully have a harder look at our own culture.

Lexie C. Hudson, NSW, Australia

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

It was very surprising to me to learn how well author Jeanne M. Eck understands my people, religion and culture. This is very unusual and amazing for a foreigner. The stories she tells in her book came alive. It was as if instead of reading, I could feel her sitting beside me and whispering them in my ear. I Am Happier to Know You is honest and beautiful! Jeanne M. Eck has a big heart and a magnificent spirit.

Mohamed Hassan, Egypt

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

The story of a lone American woman as she finds personal strength experiencing a totally new life in Egypt is insightful and compassionate. Her sense of humor took her through many trying circumstances, but brought with it an understanding of a country and a people she truly loves.

Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

I Am Happier to Know You will touch your heart… [Jeanne] will become your hero as she takes you on a venture that most of us only dream of.

Prairie Guide

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

This book is so engaging and gives one woman’s insight into the plight of coming to a foreign land and starting over. With practical real life examples and make you laugh-out-loud scenarios, her very matter-of-fact depictions about life [in Egypt] are something we have all/will all encounter at one time or another.

Dina Hanna Gad, Intercultural Coordinator, Cairo

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

I Am Happier to Know You will touch you in a way that makes you view your relationships with people from other cultures differently…Jeanne Eck is a true Global Woman!

Global Woman Magazine

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

Since “I Am Happier to Know You” was released, I have received lovely fan mail from my readers as well as inquires asking for my help with homework because the student doesn’t have time to read my book and an alarming number from women who thought or think they have found love via the Internet with Egyptian men.

The letters from naive women have much in common, in particular extreme anxiety to find love even when red flags fly at full mast clearly warning them to run the other way. What is most hair-raising is the knowledge that in the majority of cases, the women who are prepared to pack up their lives (and often their children) and move half way around the world to a country where they don’t know the language, the laws, customs, or culture don’t understand that they very well may be running to a situation that can destroy their essence forever. They also don’t have time to read my book. Yikes!

This, of course, brings up a far larger issue. What has happened to so many women that they are willing to risk their lives and future on pretty words that camouflage falsehoods? Where is their self-esteem? Do they think so little of themselves that they’re willing to cede that which makes them who they are?

Of course there are wonderful foreign men seeking true love, but how do you separate them out from those who want a visa to your country or access to your bank account? Internet dating sites can be wonderful, but also a minefield of hooligans. How do you know the difference? Read my book, and then if you have questions, feel free to write to me.

The best lessons I have learned through a lifetime of mistakes include honoring my instincts and my value as a woman and a human being. It is far better to be alone than it is to be with someone who wants you to change to fit into their life. Love is about helping each other to grow, not about bullying someone into becoming what they never were and don’t want to become. Love is about compromise that is easy and right, not about capitulation to another’s beliefs and values to keep the love you never really had. Love is also about being open to a potential partner’s values and culture. You don’t want him to change you, why would he want you to change him, especially within his own culture?

And if you have a homework assignment, please read “I Am Happier to Know You” before contacting me. I always answer my email and try to help. My time is as valuable as yours. If you don’t have time to read my book because your assignment is due in 24 hours, don’t expect me to spend hours of my work and personal life schedule to rehash what is already available to you. I’m an author, not your mother.

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

One of the most important facets of living in a foreign country is to respect and stay open to understanding the culture that surrounds you. It is equally important to give yourself permission to decline to participate in cultural practices that make you uncomfortable or may, when you return to your own culture, put you at physical or cultural risk.

For example, when I lived in Mumbai, India I had to decide that the cultural norm of not giving money or produce to aggressive beggars was one I shouldn’t break because it attracted more beggars to the area and made the lives of shopkeepers more difficult. This was a thorny decision for me to make because I believe that human being to human being, it is everyone’s responsibility to feed those who are hungry even if the chances are high that they are professional beggars who work for the local mafia. So, to compensate, I worked hard with a local expatriate club to raise money to feed and train the poor.

In India, it is impolite to yell or to push a stranger, but beggars often became physically aggressive with foreigners (something they would never do to an Indian). When I was touched or grabbed, not only did I physically shake the aggressor off, I also yelled bloody murder. Why? Because in my culture, and in most parts of the world, if a stranger grabs hold of you, you are in physical danger and must stop the assault before it becomes more aggressive.

Some Indians jump ahead in line or interrupt a transaction in progress so they can be waited on first.  It is common for a merchant to try and fill several orders at once. I quickly learned to say as appropriate, “Please finish with me first,” or “Please wait your turn.” I don’t know if it was rude to stand my ground, but it felt good when I did and the errant customer usually backed off very quickly.

In Egypt, when interacting with men I didn’t know, I had to learn to be less polite and friendly than my cultural norms dictate. This is because the assumption is often made that as a foreigner and a non Muslim, foreign woman are more sexually available.  Because I’m not Muslim, I did not wear a headscarf, but I dressed appropriately for the culture by wearing pants or long skirts and dresses but, as is the cultural norm, on hot days I did not wear long-sleeve tops because they were too hot and my menopausal body couldn’t take it.

At social events in Mexico, one is supposed to greet and say goodbye to every guest with a kiss and or touch of the arm. Although I’ve learned to “almost” make the complete rounds, to kiss people I don’t know makes me feel like a phony and conflicts with my cultural belief that if one “works the room” it is because they are campaigning for elective office or trying to sell something. Conversely, as an American I’m a natural hugger and toucher with those I’m fond of and happy to see which can make some Europeans very uncomfortable.

It is always important to be respectful of your host countries culture. As the world becomes more global, it is equally important for those from a host culture to understand that we all have been raised with cultural norms and taboos we’re not comfortable compromising and to never jump to the conclusion that someone else is rude because their ways are different. After all, they may find themselves being judged just as harshly by those who haven’t taken the time to learn about and to respect their customs and they may miss out on the opportunity for a wonderful friendship.

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

When even more human beings are finding it impossible to feed their children, it must be impossible for them to comprehend why anyone would feed a pet first or worry about its health and safety. Likewise, it is hard for those who have never had a pet to understand the grief experienced by those who have lost one. What they have no reason to comprehend is that love of another isn’t conditional upon their having two legs rather than four.

Like humans, every pet has its own distinct personality and character. Like us, they suffer deeply from past abuse and neglect. When they lose the person or people they love, they grieve and are afraid.

Animals like security and routine. They hate suitcases because it means that they will be left with a caretaker who doesn’t understand and love them the way their master does. They feel sad, won’t eat and spend far too much time sleeping or watching the front door of their home in anticipation of their owners return.

Any pet owner will tell you that their animal companions bring laughter, joy and love into their home. Their presence eliminates loneliness and gives those who are elderly or infirmed a sense of purpose and connection to life. When treated with love and kindness, their love is unconditional.

Most of all, I think they teach us to love without condition and to uncover and express depths of gratitude for their existence that we withhold from other human beings.

Because their lives are shorter than ours, adopting and caring for a pet makes us emotionally vulnerable in ways that are similar to opening ourselves to loving a child, a friend or a partner; for when we love, we expose ourselves to the pain of inevitable or tragic loss.

Savannah, my son’s Border collie died recently. Because she stayed with me for several months while he was in transition, we had the opportunity to come to know, then love each other. Her death was neither sudden nor unwelcome. She had just turned fifteen and had been failing for several months.

When I last saw her six months ago, I knew it would be the last time. She knew it, too. When I bent down to say goodbye, to give her a pat and a kiss I whispered that I would see her in heaven and looked forward to taking care of her again until her master joined us. She looked up at me and seemed to say “Thanks for understanding. I’m going to hold on as long as I can for him. I know I don’t have much time left, but I’m going to live it as fully as possible.” That’s exactly what she did.

Between bouts of age-related illnesses, she rallied to enjoy long hikes, to climb two hundred natural steps and to walk miles without resting. She died peacefully in her sleep on her terms and in her time.

Savannah wasn’t “just” a dog. She was a member of our family. Her sense of humor and wisdom shown through brown eyes that saw and experienced everything around her. With the tilt of a head she asked “What’s wrong?” With a sideways butt wag she would welcome the return of those she loved.  When she wanted to eat or to be walked, she’d sit in front of me and whine until I stopped ignoring her. Her communication skills were amazing.

Savannah was buried on a hilltop overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Her master has planted a tree to shade her body which will in turn nourish the soil. I sent him the letter I wrote to Savannah and asked him to plant it with the tree. We all do similar things for those we have loved and lost. I’m glad I could do it for her.

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com