I Am Happier To Know You

Before leaving the United States for Egypt in 2001, I had always lived in or on the perimeter of a major city. When my children were very small, my friends were mostly limited to neighborhood stay at home moms. Until I became involved in community and political volunteer work, I often felt brain dead from the lack of intellectual stimulation. These activities, and later fulltime work, quickly expanded my community of friends from many different occupations and lifestyles. Outside my immediate neighborhood, it was easy to find people with similar interests and to fit in.

I have found that rural residents are far less open to newcomers simply because they are not family. This is as true in New England as it is in Texas. At the local farmer’s co-op, I was taken aback by a comment made by a young man whose family has lived in the area for generations.

We had talked to him about clearing some land with his bulldozer before a neighbor told us about a mulching system that, unlike a bulldozer, does not destroy the roots of the large trees we wanted to save. When he called to schedule the work, Chuck had to tell him that we had changed our minds. When I saw him at the co-op, he did not seem upset. His only comment was “I was really worried that I called too early for people like you.”

“Excuse me,” I replied. “What is a ‘people like you’?”

He stammered for a moment and said, “You know, city folk.”

I laughed in response.

“Why did you move here anyway?” he asked with obvious curiosity.

“We came here to show ‘people like you’ that liberals are as kind and as good a neighbor and friend as you are,” I replied tartly. He laughed.

He had hit a nerve. I adamantly dislike being boxed up as a one-dimensional human being. Just like him, I am multidimensional.

What he did not know is that I have made a conscious decision to become an active member of our community. There are liberal areas a little more than an hour away where I would find it easier to “fit in” but I do not live there. I live here.

I wrote “I Am Happier to Know You” because I wanted to share my discovery that despite our cultural and religious differences, we are all the same. I believe that learning about each other and then honoring and respecting our differences is the key to world peace.

So. I am still walking my talk, but now within my own culture. I have retained my sense of humor and understanding that when we understand and respect our differences we can then build upon our similarities.

Copyright 2010 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

One of the most important facets of living in a foreign country is to respect and stay open to understanding the culture that surrounds you. It is equally important to give yourself permission to decline to participate in cultural practices that make you uncomfortable or may, when you return to your own culture, put you at physical or cultural risk.

For example, when I lived in Mumbai, India I had to decide that the cultural norm of not giving money or produce to aggressive beggars was one I shouldn’t break because it attracted more beggars to the area and made the lives of shopkeepers more difficult. This was a thorny decision for me to make because I believe that human being to human being, it is everyone’s responsibility to feed those who are hungry even if the chances are high that they are professional beggars who work for the local mafia. So, to compensate, I worked hard with a local expatriate club to raise money to feed and train the poor.

In India, it is impolite to yell or to push a stranger, but beggars often became physically aggressive with foreigners (something they would never do to an Indian). When I was touched or grabbed, not only did I physically shake the aggressor off, I also yelled bloody murder. Why? Because in my culture, and in most parts of the world, if a stranger grabs hold of you, you are in physical danger and must stop the assault before it becomes more aggressive.

Some Indians jump ahead in line or interrupt a transaction in progress so they can be waited on first.  It is common for a merchant to try and fill several orders at once. I quickly learned to say as appropriate, “Please finish with me first,” or “Please wait your turn.” I don’t know if it was rude to stand my ground, but it felt good when I did and the errant customer usually backed off very quickly.

In Egypt, when interacting with men I didn’t know, I had to learn to be less polite and friendly than my cultural norms dictate. This is because the assumption is often made that as a foreigner and a non Muslim, foreign woman are more sexually available.  Because I’m not Muslim, I did not wear a headscarf, but I dressed appropriately for the culture by wearing pants or long skirts and dresses but, as is the cultural norm, on hot days I did not wear long-sleeve tops because they were too hot and my menopausal body couldn’t take it.

At social events in Mexico, one is supposed to greet and say goodbye to every guest with a kiss and or touch of the arm. Although I’ve learned to “almost” make the complete rounds, to kiss people I don’t know makes me feel like a phony and conflicts with my cultural belief that if one “works the room” it is because they are campaigning for elective office or trying to sell something. Conversely, as an American I’m a natural hugger and toucher with those I’m fond of and happy to see which can make some Europeans very uncomfortable.

It is always important to be respectful of your host countries culture. As the world becomes more global, it is equally important for those from a host culture to understand that we all have been raised with cultural norms and taboos we’re not comfortable compromising and to never jump to the conclusion that someone else is rude because their ways are different. After all, they may find themselves being judged just as harshly by those who haven’t taken the time to learn about and to respect their customs and they may miss out on the opportunity for a wonderful friendship.

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com

Now that we’re living in Mexico City, it has become easier for family and friends to visit us from the U.S.

We recently finished a two-week visit with Chuck’s parents. It was wonderful! Not only did we have the chance to get to know each other better, more importantly I had the privilege of setting aside my “normal” life to concentrate on making their visit a memorable one.

Before they arrived, I was surprised by how many expatriate women found it necessary to offer me condolences rather than blessings for the upcoming visit. I was shocked that not one woman expressed gratitude for the role her husbands family played in creating the man she married. Neither did they acknowledge that his family has earned the right to be included in their lives and that their family history is as worthy of respect as theirs is.

Women of all ages shared their “in-law woes” and couldn’t understand why I was so positive about the impending visit. I tried to explain that I saw it as an opportunity to express, in a small way, my gratitude for their bringing their son into the world and helping to shape him into the kind, gentle, loving man I married.  In turn, Chuck was thrilled to have time together and for them to see why he loves me. I don’t know if they did, but what I do know is that their visit was precious and I’m grateful for every meal I cooked and the time we spent together on day trips, at home and in our garden.

When so many families are being torn apart by the inability to embrace and respect their respective partner’s heritage, or to express gratitude for the love a new family member brings to their child, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we put aside our issues and truly open our hearts to appreciating each other? It could begin by just saying “thank you.”

Copyright 2009 by Jeanne M. Eck. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint or to quote extensively from this article, please contact the author at iamhappiertoknowyou.com